I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
