I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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