its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
