Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This is the high leading the old right now
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
