im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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