She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
