it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
well most of my day revolves around power hour
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
