That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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