Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When are your genitals available?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
