so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
