The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
BRING THE BAGELS
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
