I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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