that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I had to cum in my sink.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
