he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
