So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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