..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
