Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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