I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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