Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
