Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
