can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
