Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
