call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had sex on a roof
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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