so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I woke up under a house in Key West
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
