I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
its liver damage thursday
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
