I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
