can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We left an ass print on the piano.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
