we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
