There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think your dad took our porno
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
