Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
