i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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