Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
