you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
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