for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
