Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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