You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
