Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
