I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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