I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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