I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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