The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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