Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
