dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
