What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
