Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think i have two assholes
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
