I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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