i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
