not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
