and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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