JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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