I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
