Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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