he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
