so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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