I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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