when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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