I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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